As a young mother I find myself going through moments of showing selfishness to my daughter. Sometimes it comes as a wince before opening up the bedroom door. Other times it is a quick sigh before getting up off the couch. Sometimes it is even picking her up more swiftly than usual. I am not proud of these things. I wish with all my heart that I could be constantly in love with my daughter, putting her always before me and never once, even in the deep night when this 37 week pregnant mother needs rest, rush a cuddle or huff at a cry. But it does happen, and it seems to be a bit more frequent in the night, when I am weary.
This is part of my journal writings last night while sitting in bed. Little W had been crying off and on for over 2 hours, not wanting to sleep. When I would go in, she would stop crying or at least settle down. Then, when I would leave the room, she would cry again violently. This is not a common occurrence but it was not the first time.
“…Back. I think she wants to stay up. She brought me a book to read her and cried when I stayed in her room. She wanted me to go out with her and be awake. I know she is exhausted, I wonder why she does this. I am very tired. I did not get a nap today since we went to see the midwife. While W napped early I took a shower and got things ready- so no nap for me today. Hopefully tomorrow. It is interesting being in these situations. On one hand I am tired and human (selfish) and want to go to sleep- so I could get frustrated and short with her. But also I love her as deeply as I feel a human can love another human and it hurts me every time she cries, warranted or not. My poor reaction will only make us both miserable (and maybe even leave me feeling worse in the end). So I must be careful when I respond. I must see her through love and deny myself over and over- or I will regret it deeply. She has been quiet for a while now. I hope her eyes grew heavy and she can now dream sweet dreams…”
It is harder when we are weary. It is harder to be patient. It is harder to speak softly. It is harder to be gentle. It is harder to love. And we seem to go through seasons where weariness is common. But we can be loving when we are weary. We have to be patient with ourselves, too. We have to lean on the truth and remember that we gave ourselves for our families, and that is a good thing, because we are worshiping God with our servanthood. Every wiped spill, every magnet picked up off the floor, every time we pause to handle a situation with softness instead of frustration. We can do it because God gives us peace when we call on Him- and our actions can reflect His love.
Suddenly Mom 
Good post. I have been contemplating a similar thought line though for different reasons. Awaking from sleep is the easiest time for me to see who I truly am. I haven’t had time to put on my armor, and I haven’t had time to prepare myself for the day. I am awakened and my thoughts are immediately of myself. My sin nature is at full strength while I am still weak. It is a challenge, but it gives me great joy to see the gracious presence of God in my waking life; to recognize that within myself is no good thing, but that with God I can respond correctly, in self-denying love.
Wow, this really spoke to me today. O isnt sleeping very well, because he rolls over and cant fall back to sleep. He too, has violent cries. I can’t help but get out of bed and hold him until he gets weary enough to go back to sleep. During the day he skips his naps and is in all sorts… I cant imagine how you feel being pregnant with the lack of sleep. You should bring W over this weekend so you and Z can rest. Steve and I can help 🙂
Your offer is so sweet, especially because you, too, must be weary! You cannot imagine how it touches the heart of a mom / mother-in-law to see the loving and giving spirit of one of my children.
I needed this today. Not because I have a small child, but because I have 19 “old children” who seem to need me more than usual in recent days. The constant interruptions and neediness of those around me has pushed me to a place that is not common for me. I needed the reminder to do better for them, and, in effect for myself. I will be praying for you to get some much needed rest.
I was thinking of something similar today when all three of my children wanted to be held by me at the same time. The phrase “they’re the longest days but shortest years” comes to mind. One day my kids will be too big for cuddles, for now I’ll be joyful for the tantrums and hold them close.
Wow…..this hit me like a 2 x 4! I find my days much more busy than I expected or wanted at this time of my life. The little ones I care for are not my own, which often makes the correct response even harder to achieve at times. I am weary more often than not. I try to serve as unto the Lord but “self” is constantly getting in the way. I think I need to print the following quote and put it on my fridge. How full of truth it is! And it needs to be constantly held in remembrance.
“We have to lean on the truth and remember that we gave ourselves for our families, and that is a good thing, because we are worshiping God with our servanthood. Every wiped spill, every magnet picked up off the floor, every time we pause to handle a situation with softness instead of frustration. We can do it because God gives us peace when we call on Him- and our actions can reflect His love.”
Thank you, Arianna.
I think every mother can relate to this, especially the moms of little ones! You are so right! Thanks for the post!
Amen, that’s beautiful